Laughing Magician — A Doomsday Carol

— Bah humbug!

Usually I don't talk like that. Hell, usually nobody talks like that, but it's December, so it's a little bit more appropriate than usual. Although it's not just me randomly quoting Scrooge at my TV, there's a specific reason for that little outburst of emotion: people won't shut the fuck up about the goddamn doomsday that is allegedly around the corner. That one channel seems to have most of its programming based around the fucking thing that isn't coming. Are there actually any people left who believe this bullshit? Oh yeah, of course there are, like with any bullshit doomsday that we have virtually every whaaaaaaat the fuck has just appeared on my wall?

This thing looks like a picture of a rectangle with ten leg-like thingies on its sides that make it look like some kind of a bug, or rather an evil microchip. Also it has two evil eyes and managed to appear on my wall while I blinked.

— Well hello there.

Also, it fucking talks somehow. Freakout in 3... 2...

— Yeah, yeah, a talking wall, there's no such thing, yadda-yadda, blah-blah-blah. Let's skip the mental breakdown and just talk.

Well, I guess I might as well indulge this hallucination, there's always time to check my head later.

— Okay let's talk: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?!!

— Well surely you can't just go bahhumbugging around and not expect some kind of ghosts to appear and teach you the error of your ways. There's a reason why nobody talks like that anymore.

— So what, you're some kind of a modern rendition of the Ghost of the Christmas Past.

— Um, no. Christmas has exactly zero issues with the guy who cried while watching "Arthur Christmas''.

— I only almost cried!

— It counts! Anyway, no, I happen to be the Ghost of Doomsday Past.

— ...What?

— You lack doomsday spirit, buddy. That's something I and two other guys will have to deal with.

— Wow. I'll have to remember to keep my mouth shut come next St. Patrick's Day. So, are the next two also two-dimensional rectangular insects?

— No, geez, have you forgotten already? I'm the Millenium Bug!

— More like the Millenium Humbug.

— Surprisingly, I have not heard that one before. Anyway, this is how I look like according to the Internet, and that image only works in 2D, so to flat surfaces I go. At least next time when I get to be whatever the Ghost of Doomsday present is this time, I'll get to be three-dimensional, Roland Emmerich ensured that much at least.

— Okay, we established that. Now I'm supposed to see myself when stupid people thought they were going to die.

— That's the plan. Actually, if you look at the wall behind your couch...

Well, I look, but the wall isn't there anymore. Instead I see myself and my family 13 years ago, celebrating New Year's Eve and...

— Um... All I see here is me celebrating with my family because I'm 10 years old and don't have much of a choice. Also, I distinctly remember not giving two shits about the stupid Y2k thing, since even for a 10 year old that was too fucking far-fetched.

— Um... Yeah, that would probably have worked better if you were, like, ten years older.

— And if your apocalypse didn't fall directly on New Year's Eve.

— That too.

— We're not off to a good start with raising my doomsday spirit, are we?

— Well, the point is, there was a lot of heavy drinking and indiscriminate fucking because people thought the world was gonna end and you missed it all on account of being way underage.

— Nice, that's definitely something I need more in my life.

— Isn't it?

— Well, the sex part, maybe, but... Okay, just stop it, this isn't working. If that doomsday spirit of yours means just acting like a douchebag fratboy, then I would like to keep lacking it, thank you very much.

— It really isn’t, but… I guess you were not supposed to learn it from me anyway. That would be too early.

— So, I’m supposed to wait for the Ghost of Doomsday Present now?

— Actually, he’s been sitting on your couch since you stopped looking in that direction, like, fifteen seconds ago.

So he has. And he looks, not too surprisingly, like a Mayan warrior. The wall, again not surprisingly, no longer features any flat rectangular ghosts. I’m guessing the only reason he didn’t disappear the same moment the chief arrived is that he wanted to find out what he will look like next time.

— Well hi there, chief.

— Chief, my ghostly ass. It’s funny how nobody listened to the Mayans when they were saying “No genocides, please we would very much like to keep on being alive”, but the moment some asshole finds a Mayan calendar and completely misinterprets what it actually says it’s “Oh shit, those people whose entire belief system we never took seriously totally could see the future! We’re all gonna die because of… something.” Really, it looks like people are expecting this whole thing to happen like it was explained in that episode of “The Tick”.

— You’re really going to start filling me with doomsday spirit by telling me why the apocalypse you represent is bullshit?

— And Christmas is an old Pagan holiday highjacked for convenience by a religion that brought us the Spanish Inquisition — for a second both the ghost and I look at the front door, but apparently reenacting Monty Python’s Flying Circus is where reality draws a line tonight — and later stripped of the most of its religious elements because atheists want to have fun too, and yet here you are — the guy who cried during “Arthur Christmas”.

— Almost cried!

— Why so ashamed? It’s a good movie. The point being, the day the world totally is not going to end has just as much significance as the day some Jewish guy definitely wasn’t born, but only one of those gets celebrated yearly.

— Okay, touché, whatever, I see your point. Are you now going to show me how much fun are my friends and family having while I’m scrooging my life away?

— No, not really, I just came to put some things into perspective.

— That’s it? What kind of ghost are you?

— Haven’t you been listening? I’m essentially a ghost of bullshit. Besides, the previous guy kinda failed miserably at it. Also, you barely have any friends. The Ghost of Doomsday Yeat to Come is the one that matters the most anyway. She’s already waiting for you in that corner.

And what do you know, I turn and there really is… a slot machine. What? Of course the chief is already gone without as much as a “So long and thanks for all the couch”.

— So… a slot machine?

I am answered by a nice female voice:

— Well, I had to look like something that symbolizes infinite probabilities and I’m kinda sick of all that Schroedinger stuff, so I went with the next best thing: random chance. I mean, predicting that and old mean asshole will die and no one will mourn is a bit of a no-brainer, really, but when it’s something that global and there’s so many possibilities, then dammit, Jim, I’m a ghost, not a god!

— So I won’t learn how the world actually ends from you?

— You can see how it might end, that’s all I can promise. Just pull the lever.

So I do. It’s three green bacteria. Jackpot?

— Ah, the biological weapon outbreak. It’s been awhile. Take a look.

Suddenly we’re not in my apartment anymore, but on the street of some big city. For a couple of seconds everything is business as usual, but then all of the people around just start dropping dead for no visible reason. Less than a minute later it’s just a lot of bodies and total silence.

— Well that was… unpleasant. And that’s it?

— If you’re asking if they are going to rise as zombies, than no. That would be just stupid. Wanna see anything else?

— No, not really. Actually, some unseeing would be nice right now.

— To be frank, that barely qualifies as an end of the world. Look: the buildings are still here, and most of the animals are still around (let’s not question the science of a hypothetical scenario), but since you people tend to equal the world with yourselves, it technically counts.

— If doomsday spirit is not trusting anyone in lab coat anymore, then I’m full of it right now.

— Look, here’s a thing: of all the ghosts you’ve met tonight I’m the only one that is not a ghost of bullshit. The world absolutely will end someday. It might be two separate ends for the world as in “the human race” and the world as in “the planet Earth”, or it could be one for the both, there’s no telling. But the ways it could end are numerous. There are so many things that could go wrong, and you guys keep making even more stuff that can bite you in the ass on the planetary level. Case in point: what you just saw.

— So what, I’m supposed to be eternally grateful for being still alive and living every day like it’s the last? That’s the doomsday spirit?

— The first part: yeah, kinda, the second part is stupid. The world might end any moment, but it probably won’t, so your actions will still probably have consequences. But living some days like they might be your last — that’s more what I’m talking about. And hey, guess what, one such day is just around the corner. You don’t have to act like a drunken animal, but having fewer restrictions for a day will probably do you some good.

— So, basically, ”shut up and have fun, you pathetic nerd”?

— Exactly. Especially the nerd part.

— Didn’t you quote Star Trek on me some minutes ago?

— Half-quoted. And it’s not like getting a life is an option for me anyway.

— Point taken. So… that’s it, I guess?

— Yep, pretty much. I don’t expect you to become a completely new person, but if I at least inspired you to leave the house, I would count it as a win. Now go and make this slot machine proud.

And just like that I’m back home in front of the box of bullshit that is my TV, no ghosts to be seen anywhere. I could try and rationalize it by pretending it was a dream caused by something I ate, but I know that neither dreams nor digestion work that way, so… Yeah, I’ve got scrooged tonight. And yeah, I guess it was a bit transformative and made me to look at things differently, but right now all I’m thinking is “Dude, I wish the next Talk Like a Pirate day was sooner, apparently I’m in just one “bah humbug!” from figuring out what the fuck that is all about!”